Life sucks.. or not?/ Viata e de rahat... sau nu?

Yes, I’m in a crisis. It’s quite normal to be in one because of the many frustrations gathered in the last months, maybe a year. And who would not be frustrated in my shoes, when there are so many dreams and hopes and wishes that are not becoming reality. With what should I begin? …
Well… at 26 I am still living with my parents and I can’t see a way to change that in the close future. At this age other women are married and have kids, their own house… I don’t. (Remark: I’m saying women although I feel like saying girls, because I can’t see myself as a woman. I feel and I look at myself as if I were 18. Somehow, I feel I can blame for this the fact that until this age I haven’t been involved in a long term relationship where “he” can make me feel as a woman. But this is another thing…) Living with my parents gives me a sense of humiliation, my pride losing the battle in front of the compromise of not doing what I want when I want it and in front of the need to conform myself to some rules that I don’t believe in. Many times privacy doesn’t exist or it’s “something that all four of us know, but the rest of the world doesn’t have to find out”. Well, I admit that I enjoy also the financial and psychological benefits: mom cooks and cleans, I only help; dad brings the money and he is not asking me to participate in the expenses, but I do it with pleasure; the comfort of my home and the joy of living with my family, the stuff that is dear to me. But sometimes these things do not compensate the feeling of inutility or of a wasted life. I have the tendency to compare all the time my achievements with those of other people and from here all the frustrations begin: I don’t have, I don’t own, I don’t… they do.
Then comes the work part, but who is totally satisfied of his job? I’ve been working here for 4 years and I don’t see any promotion or raise chance any time soon. I tried to change jobs, but when I found something I liked the payment was disappointing. Nobody is paying the true work value anymore. Even jobs with great responsibilities that require a college degree are being paid just a little over the minimum wage. What can I do then? I’m waiting, on a 700 leis payment with food tickets, I pay the bills first, then expenses and I hold on to what I have left until my next salary. If I restrain myself from spending money and I don’t delight myself but I stop at what’s absolutely necessary, I can manage to save up some cash. If not… that’s life.
In the heart’s matters I don’t know what to say. I’m not doing well, neither bad. But that’s how things are when you are in love with someone you met on the internet and you have never seen him. I usually have a hard time “managing” any relationship, even more now when things are so complicated. It’s very hard to have this kind of a relationship and to keep it balanced, because there is a great passion, everything is intense, positive tensions and energies are being born and when they can’t be displayed and consumed inside the couple, they become negative and transform themselves into fights and arguments without a real base. Yes, to me it seems easier to fight then to say “I love you, you are everything to me and I cry because I miss you so much, I pray for you every night”. I feel vulnerable when I let my true feelings and thoughts to be seen, so I prefer not saying but keeping them only for myself and, in this way, I can keep myself protected. Even if I know I can believe in him and he is never going to hurt me I still can’t open myself totally, I still try to protect myself. Many times I leave fear aside and I say what I feel and think in that moment and I feel liberated, happy, but I don’t forget that I’m just a butterfly in the wind, wind that can become anytime a tornado.
Someone asked me some day: why a guy from a country so far away? Couldn’t you find one here? I answered: I think I’ve wished him for me and God gave him to me. A long time ago, when I was a teenager, I imagined a story where I borrowed my character, personality and name to the girl in the leading role, Andreea, and I invented for her in the leading role a man that would have all the qualities and flows that I wanted my soul mate to have and I named him Rayel. And I prayed to God that this someone would exist and bring him into my life. And he made my wish come true. The resemblance is striking and it makes me ask sometimes if HE really exists or HE is only in my imagination, if this romance is not only in my head. And the more time passes, the more I realize that HE is more beautiful then I could ever imagine. And HE exists, lives and has flesh and bones like me, breaths and speaks and has this lovely voice and an extraordinary accent and HE makes me feel good about myself, HE loves me, wants me and misses me. And many times I feel him: his touch in my palms, in my blood, in my arms; his breath and his body odor, his heart beating along with mine. I know I love him, he knows I love him and I am lucky to be able to live such a story and I’m waiting impatiently the day when we will meet face to face.
So… Yes, life has its ugly, bad parts, but it also has its good moments. And most of the time when I count, the good is more important than the bad. So “heads up and with God forward”. Any sorrow passes and good days always come. My happy moment will come, when I will draw the line and look at the score: frustrations 0 – accomplishments infinity.


***

Da, m-a apucat criza. Era si normal sa ma apuce deoarece am foarte multe frustrari stranse in cateva luni, un an si ceva chiar. Si cine nu ar fi frustrat in locul meu cand ai atat de multe vise si sperante si dorinte si vezi ca nici una nu devine realitate. Cu ce sa incep? ...
Pai... la 26 de ani inca mai locuiesc cu parintii si nu vad nici o sansa in viitorul apropiat ca acest lucru sa se schimbe. La varsta aceasta alte femei sunt maritate, au si copii, casa lor... eu nu. (Observatie: spun femei desi tendinta este sa spun fete, asta pentru ca eu inca nu reusesc sa ma percep ca si femeie. Eu inca ma simt si ma privesc ca si cum as avea 18 ani. Pe undeva consider ca vina acestui lucru o poarta si faptul ca pana la varsta aceasta eu nu am avut o relatie de lunga durata in care „el” sa ma faca sa simt ca sunt femeie. Dar acesta e un alt subiect...) Faptul ca inca locuiesc cu ai mei imi da o senzatie de umilinta, mandria mea fiind de multe ori stirbita in fata compromisului de a nu face ce am chef atunci cand am chef si de a ma conforma unor reguli in care nu cred. De multe ori intimitatea nu exista sau insemana „ceva ce noi patru stim, dar restul lumii nu trebuie sa afle”. Bine, recunosc ca ma bucur si de avantajele financiare si psihologice: mama gateste si face curat, eu numai ajut; tata aduce banii si nu-mi cere sa particip la cheltuieli, dar o fac eu de placere; confortul locuintei si bucuria de a convietui cu familia, obiectele dragi. Dar uneori lucrurile astea nu compenseaza sentimentul inutilitatii si al vietii risipite. Am tendinta de a-mi compara in permanenta realizarile cu ale celorlalti si de aici se nasc frustrarile: eu nu am, nu posed, eu nu... ei da.
Apoi vine partea cu munca, dar cine e total multumit de jobul sau? Lucrez pe postul acesta de 4 ani si nu intrevad nici o sansa la promovare sau marire de salariu. Am incercat sa-mi schimb locul de munca, dar unde am gasit ceva salarizarea a fost cea care nu m-a multumit. Nimeni nu mai plateste la adevarata valoare. Chiar si joburile cu responsabilitate mare, care necesita studii superioare sunt platite cu putin peste salariul minim pe economie. Ce sa fac atunci? Mai stau asa, pe 700 de lei plus bonuri de masa, platesc facturile intai, apoi cheltuielile curente si trag de ce-mi mai ramane pana la salariul urmator. Daca ma restrang la cheltuieli, nu ma desfat cu cine stie ce si ma rezum la ce e absolut necesar, reusesc sa mai pun si un ban deoparte. Daca nu... asta e.
Pe plan sentimental n-as sti sa spun cum stau, nici bine, dar nici rau. Asa e cand esti indragostita de o persoana pe care ai cunoscut-o pe net si cu care nu te-ai vazut niciodata. Eu de obicei nu stiu cum sa „manageriez” o relatie, mai ales acum cand lucrurile sunt atat de complicate. Este foarte greu sa ai o relatie de genul acesta echilibrata, deoarece pasiunea e mare, totul se traieste cu intensitate, se nasc energii si tensiuni pozitive, care atunci cand nu pot fi manifestate si consumate in interiorul cuplului devin negative, se transforma in certuri si discutii aprinse fara un fond real. Da, mie imi e mai usor sa ma cert decat sa spun „te iubesc, esti totul pentru mine, plang de dorul tau, ma rog pentru tine in fiecare seara”. Ma simt vulnerabila atunci cand las sa se vada adevaratele mele sentimente si ganduri si de aceea prefer sa nu le spun, le tin acolo doar pentru mine si reusesc in modul acesta sa ma simt mai protejata. Si chiar daca stiu ca pot sa cred in el si ca nu ma va rani niciodata tot nu reusesc sa ma deschid total, tot incerc sa ma protejez. De multe ori las teama la o parte si spun ceea ce simt si gandesc in acel moment si ma simt eliberata, fericita, dar nu uit ca eu sunt doar un fluture in bataia vantului, vant care se poate transforma oricand in tornada.
M-a intrebat cineva intr-o zi: dar de ce un baiat dintr-o tara atat de departe? Nu puteai sa gasesti si tu unul de la noi? Eu am raspuns: cred ca eu mi l-am dorit, iar Dumnezeu mi l-a dat. Demult, pe cand eu eram adolescenta, mi-am imaginat o poveste in care am imprumutat caracterul, personalitatea si numele meu personajului feminin principal, Andreea, si pentru care am inventat un personaj masculin principal care sa aiba toate calitatile si defectele pe care mi le-am dorit eu la jumatatea mea si i-am pus numele Rayel. Si m-am rugat la Dumnezeu ca acest cineva sa existe si sa il aduca in viata mea. Si el mi-a indeplinit dorinta. Asemanarile sunt izbitoare si ma fac sa ma intreb uneori daca EL exista cu adevarat sau e numai in imaginatia mea, daca nu cumva idila aceasta este doar in capul meu. Si cu cat trece mai mult timp, cu atat realizez ca EL este mult mai frumos decat mi-am putut imagina eu. Si exista, traieste si e din carne si oase ca si mine, respira si vorbeste si are o voce frumoasa si un accent superb si ma face sa ma simt bine in pielea mea, ma iubeste, ma doreste si ii e dor de mine. Iar eu de multe ori il simt: in palmele mele atingerea sa, in sangele meu, in bratele mele; respiratia si parfumul trupului sau, inima lui batand o data cu a mea. Stiu ca il iubesc, si el stie ca il iubesc si sunt norocoasa ca pot traii o asemenea poveste si astept cu nerabdare ziua in care ne vom intalni fata in fata.
Asa ca... Da, viata are partile ei proaste, urate, dar are si momentele ei bune. Si de cele mai multe ori, cand le pun in balanta, cele bune sunt mai importante decat cele rele. Asa ca „capul sus si cu Dumnezeu inainte”. Orice suparare trece si totdeauna vin si zile mai bune. Pana la urma va sosi si momentul meu de fericire, cand o sa trag linie si o sa-mi calculez scorul: frustrari 0 - realizari infinit.