It's over.

Unele relatii sunt facute sa dureze, altele insa nu. Se termina prematur, mai devreme decat te asteptai, mai devreme decat pariasei cu tine insuti.

Nu m-am gandit niciodata la relatia noastra ca la una de scurta durata, eram pregatita pentru mai mult. Nu mi-au placut niciodata relatiile pasagere, pe care le ai doar ca sa nu fii singur, doar ca sa ai pe cineva cu care sa iesi in oras sau cu care ocazional sa faci sex, asa... fara obligatii. Eram sigura ca pot merge mai departe, atat timp cat ma simt iubita, cat timp ma simt libera sa fiu eu, cat timp nu ma simt conditionata. Insa exact asta s-a intamplat, intr-o zi m-am trezit singura, parasita si m-am simtit incatusata in loc sa fiu eliberata, am fost ranita, trista si suparata, am fost aceiasi "eu" de care fugisem cu o luna jumatate inainte. Ma saturasem sa fiu "eu, cea deprimata" si aveam nevoie sa fiu "eu, cea fericita".

Dar cum poti fi fericita atunci cand omul in care ti-ai pus toate sperantele iti spune ca vrea sa se desparta de tine si o si face? Stablilise cu o saptamana inainte ca in data de ... ne vom desparti. Si in ciuda insistentelor mele si a refuzului exprimat clar rezolutia a ramas aceiasi: "de maine ne despartim". Si am spus nu inca o data, iar el a zis da pentru ca asa stabilisem si pentru ca asa era mai bine: fara apeluri, fara mesaje, fara mailuri. Si am acceptat, nu aveam incotro.

A venit maine, mailurile au incetat in a mai fi scrise, sms-urile nu au mai curs, telefonul a incetat sa mai sune. Era semn ca totul a luat sfarsit. Mi-a fost greu sa realizez ca relatia noastra se terminase, undeva spre pranz ma obseda gandul de a-ti scrie orice, un mail, un sms in care sa te intreb: "ce faci? ai innebunit? chiar ne despartim? chiar esti mai fericit fara mine?". Dar m-am abtinut pentru ca eram ranita, pentru ca m-am gandit ca cel mai bun lucru pentru mine este sa accept ca nu ma mai vrei, ca iti cauti un alt drum in viata fara mine, ca iti astepti DESTINUL din care stii sigur ca eu nu fac parte.

A venit seara si m-ai sunat sa ma intrebi de ce nu te-am cautat toata ziua. Ce sens avea sa te caut cand tu esti cel care ti-ai impus vointa si ai incheiat reatia noastra desi eu nu vroiam sa se incheie? Pentru ce sa te caut? Ca sa sufar din nou? Mi-ai reprosat ca am renuntat prea repede la "noi", ca nu ti-am dat acel sms cand m-am gandit sa-ti scriu, ca nu am plans dupa tine si ca sunt egoista. Da, sunt egoista si am fost de la inceput si totdeauna m-am pus pe mine pe primul plan. Nu m-ai invatat tu asta? Nu m-ai invatat tu cat de important este sa-mi dau seama ce-mi doresc si cine sunt si sa fac doar ce vreau eu, nu ce vor ceilalti? Tu deja stiai asta si m-ai iubit oricum, de ce trebuia sa-mi reprosezi? Tu stiai cat de mare era nevoia mea de a fi dorita si iubita, de a primi fara sa dau nimic in schimb, atunci de ce ai ales sa ma parasesti? Doar ca sa ma ranesti, sa ma testezi si sa descoperi care vor fi reactiile mele? Ai vazut cum am reactionat: da, sunt ranita si imi e frica si nu-ti mai pot spune acum ca inainte "te sarut, te iubesc, pe curand". Oare esti mai fericit acum?

Eu nu sunt mai fericita si recunosc ca imi lipsesti, ca imi e dor de noi, ca am plans gandindu-ma la noi si la acele 4 zile fericite cu tine la mare. Insa stiu ca dupa aceasta experienta nu as mai putea sa ma intorc la tine. Si ce regret cel mai mult si mai mult este ca o data cu iubitul mi-am pierdut si cel mai bun prieten.

Sper ca vei fi fericit si ca iti vei gasi calea. Ma voi ruga pentru asta. Adio.

Memories of you

I found this song that reminds me of you and of the way you make me feel.



No hizo falta nada más
Fue tan suficiente verlo en tu mirada
Clara como cristal

Me enseńsate a ver la luz
Cuando dentro de mi alma se apagaban
Mis ganas de continuar
Como si me conocieras de otra vida
Vas antecediendo todos mis instintos
Sin medida

Nadie más que tú
Sabe adivinar a donde voy
Nadie pudo descubrir
Lo que yo realmente soy
Nadie más que tú
Ha sembrado paz en mi interior
Hizo renacer mi fe
Para ver más allá del sol

Cuando amanece y tu no estás
Toda mi energía fluye diferente
Sin ti nada es igual
Mis secretos se revelan en tus brazos
Y mis días se reducen a tu espacio
Y voy cayendo poco a poco porque

Nadie más que tu
Sabe adivinar a donde voy
Nadie pudo descubrir
Lo que yo realmente soy
Nadie más que tu
Que ha sembrado paz en mi interior
Hizo renacer mi fe
Para ver más allá del sol

Como si me conocieras de otra vida...
Vas antecediendo todos mis instintos...

Nadie mas que tu nadie más que tú..
Lo que realmente soy
Nadie más, nadie más
Nadie más que tu
Hizo renacer mi fe
Para ver mas allá del sol
Más alla del sol

Es que nadie, nadie, nadie no...
Nadie más que tú
Nadie más pudo hacer
Hizo renacer mi fe
Para ver más alla del sol

Life sucks.. or not?/ Viata e de rahat... sau nu?

Yes, I’m in a crisis. It’s quite normal to be in one because of the many frustrations gathered in the last months, maybe a year. And who would not be frustrated in my shoes, when there are so many dreams and hopes and wishes that are not becoming reality. With what should I begin? …
Well… at 26 I am still living with my parents and I can’t see a way to change that in the close future. At this age other women are married and have kids, their own house… I don’t. (Remark: I’m saying women although I feel like saying girls, because I can’t see myself as a woman. I feel and I look at myself as if I were 18. Somehow, I feel I can blame for this the fact that until this age I haven’t been involved in a long term relationship where “he” can make me feel as a woman. But this is another thing…) Living with my parents gives me a sense of humiliation, my pride losing the battle in front of the compromise of not doing what I want when I want it and in front of the need to conform myself to some rules that I don’t believe in. Many times privacy doesn’t exist or it’s “something that all four of us know, but the rest of the world doesn’t have to find out”. Well, I admit that I enjoy also the financial and psychological benefits: mom cooks and cleans, I only help; dad brings the money and he is not asking me to participate in the expenses, but I do it with pleasure; the comfort of my home and the joy of living with my family, the stuff that is dear to me. But sometimes these things do not compensate the feeling of inutility or of a wasted life. I have the tendency to compare all the time my achievements with those of other people and from here all the frustrations begin: I don’t have, I don’t own, I don’t… they do.
Then comes the work part, but who is totally satisfied of his job? I’ve been working here for 4 years and I don’t see any promotion or raise chance any time soon. I tried to change jobs, but when I found something I liked the payment was disappointing. Nobody is paying the true work value anymore. Even jobs with great responsibilities that require a college degree are being paid just a little over the minimum wage. What can I do then? I’m waiting, on a 700 leis payment with food tickets, I pay the bills first, then expenses and I hold on to what I have left until my next salary. If I restrain myself from spending money and I don’t delight myself but I stop at what’s absolutely necessary, I can manage to save up some cash. If not… that’s life.
In the heart’s matters I don’t know what to say. I’m not doing well, neither bad. But that’s how things are when you are in love with someone you met on the internet and you have never seen him. I usually have a hard time “managing” any relationship, even more now when things are so complicated. It’s very hard to have this kind of a relationship and to keep it balanced, because there is a great passion, everything is intense, positive tensions and energies are being born and when they can’t be displayed and consumed inside the couple, they become negative and transform themselves into fights and arguments without a real base. Yes, to me it seems easier to fight then to say “I love you, you are everything to me and I cry because I miss you so much, I pray for you every night”. I feel vulnerable when I let my true feelings and thoughts to be seen, so I prefer not saying but keeping them only for myself and, in this way, I can keep myself protected. Even if I know I can believe in him and he is never going to hurt me I still can’t open myself totally, I still try to protect myself. Many times I leave fear aside and I say what I feel and think in that moment and I feel liberated, happy, but I don’t forget that I’m just a butterfly in the wind, wind that can become anytime a tornado.
Someone asked me some day: why a guy from a country so far away? Couldn’t you find one here? I answered: I think I’ve wished him for me and God gave him to me. A long time ago, when I was a teenager, I imagined a story where I borrowed my character, personality and name to the girl in the leading role, Andreea, and I invented for her in the leading role a man that would have all the qualities and flows that I wanted my soul mate to have and I named him Rayel. And I prayed to God that this someone would exist and bring him into my life. And he made my wish come true. The resemblance is striking and it makes me ask sometimes if HE really exists or HE is only in my imagination, if this romance is not only in my head. And the more time passes, the more I realize that HE is more beautiful then I could ever imagine. And HE exists, lives and has flesh and bones like me, breaths and speaks and has this lovely voice and an extraordinary accent and HE makes me feel good about myself, HE loves me, wants me and misses me. And many times I feel him: his touch in my palms, in my blood, in my arms; his breath and his body odor, his heart beating along with mine. I know I love him, he knows I love him and I am lucky to be able to live such a story and I’m waiting impatiently the day when we will meet face to face.
So… Yes, life has its ugly, bad parts, but it also has its good moments. And most of the time when I count, the good is more important than the bad. So “heads up and with God forward”. Any sorrow passes and good days always come. My happy moment will come, when I will draw the line and look at the score: frustrations 0 – accomplishments infinity.


***

Da, m-a apucat criza. Era si normal sa ma apuce deoarece am foarte multe frustrari stranse in cateva luni, un an si ceva chiar. Si cine nu ar fi frustrat in locul meu cand ai atat de multe vise si sperante si dorinte si vezi ca nici una nu devine realitate. Cu ce sa incep? ...
Pai... la 26 de ani inca mai locuiesc cu parintii si nu vad nici o sansa in viitorul apropiat ca acest lucru sa se schimbe. La varsta aceasta alte femei sunt maritate, au si copii, casa lor... eu nu. (Observatie: spun femei desi tendinta este sa spun fete, asta pentru ca eu inca nu reusesc sa ma percep ca si femeie. Eu inca ma simt si ma privesc ca si cum as avea 18 ani. Pe undeva consider ca vina acestui lucru o poarta si faptul ca pana la varsta aceasta eu nu am avut o relatie de lunga durata in care „el” sa ma faca sa simt ca sunt femeie. Dar acesta e un alt subiect...) Faptul ca inca locuiesc cu ai mei imi da o senzatie de umilinta, mandria mea fiind de multe ori stirbita in fata compromisului de a nu face ce am chef atunci cand am chef si de a ma conforma unor reguli in care nu cred. De multe ori intimitatea nu exista sau insemana „ceva ce noi patru stim, dar restul lumii nu trebuie sa afle”. Bine, recunosc ca ma bucur si de avantajele financiare si psihologice: mama gateste si face curat, eu numai ajut; tata aduce banii si nu-mi cere sa particip la cheltuieli, dar o fac eu de placere; confortul locuintei si bucuria de a convietui cu familia, obiectele dragi. Dar uneori lucrurile astea nu compenseaza sentimentul inutilitatii si al vietii risipite. Am tendinta de a-mi compara in permanenta realizarile cu ale celorlalti si de aici se nasc frustrarile: eu nu am, nu posed, eu nu... ei da.
Apoi vine partea cu munca, dar cine e total multumit de jobul sau? Lucrez pe postul acesta de 4 ani si nu intrevad nici o sansa la promovare sau marire de salariu. Am incercat sa-mi schimb locul de munca, dar unde am gasit ceva salarizarea a fost cea care nu m-a multumit. Nimeni nu mai plateste la adevarata valoare. Chiar si joburile cu responsabilitate mare, care necesita studii superioare sunt platite cu putin peste salariul minim pe economie. Ce sa fac atunci? Mai stau asa, pe 700 de lei plus bonuri de masa, platesc facturile intai, apoi cheltuielile curente si trag de ce-mi mai ramane pana la salariul urmator. Daca ma restrang la cheltuieli, nu ma desfat cu cine stie ce si ma rezum la ce e absolut necesar, reusesc sa mai pun si un ban deoparte. Daca nu... asta e.
Pe plan sentimental n-as sti sa spun cum stau, nici bine, dar nici rau. Asa e cand esti indragostita de o persoana pe care ai cunoscut-o pe net si cu care nu te-ai vazut niciodata. Eu de obicei nu stiu cum sa „manageriez” o relatie, mai ales acum cand lucrurile sunt atat de complicate. Este foarte greu sa ai o relatie de genul acesta echilibrata, deoarece pasiunea e mare, totul se traieste cu intensitate, se nasc energii si tensiuni pozitive, care atunci cand nu pot fi manifestate si consumate in interiorul cuplului devin negative, se transforma in certuri si discutii aprinse fara un fond real. Da, mie imi e mai usor sa ma cert decat sa spun „te iubesc, esti totul pentru mine, plang de dorul tau, ma rog pentru tine in fiecare seara”. Ma simt vulnerabila atunci cand las sa se vada adevaratele mele sentimente si ganduri si de aceea prefer sa nu le spun, le tin acolo doar pentru mine si reusesc in modul acesta sa ma simt mai protejata. Si chiar daca stiu ca pot sa cred in el si ca nu ma va rani niciodata tot nu reusesc sa ma deschid total, tot incerc sa ma protejez. De multe ori las teama la o parte si spun ceea ce simt si gandesc in acel moment si ma simt eliberata, fericita, dar nu uit ca eu sunt doar un fluture in bataia vantului, vant care se poate transforma oricand in tornada.
M-a intrebat cineva intr-o zi: dar de ce un baiat dintr-o tara atat de departe? Nu puteai sa gasesti si tu unul de la noi? Eu am raspuns: cred ca eu mi l-am dorit, iar Dumnezeu mi l-a dat. Demult, pe cand eu eram adolescenta, mi-am imaginat o poveste in care am imprumutat caracterul, personalitatea si numele meu personajului feminin principal, Andreea, si pentru care am inventat un personaj masculin principal care sa aiba toate calitatile si defectele pe care mi le-am dorit eu la jumatatea mea si i-am pus numele Rayel. Si m-am rugat la Dumnezeu ca acest cineva sa existe si sa il aduca in viata mea. Si el mi-a indeplinit dorinta. Asemanarile sunt izbitoare si ma fac sa ma intreb uneori daca EL exista cu adevarat sau e numai in imaginatia mea, daca nu cumva idila aceasta este doar in capul meu. Si cu cat trece mai mult timp, cu atat realizez ca EL este mult mai frumos decat mi-am putut imagina eu. Si exista, traieste si e din carne si oase ca si mine, respira si vorbeste si are o voce frumoasa si un accent superb si ma face sa ma simt bine in pielea mea, ma iubeste, ma doreste si ii e dor de mine. Iar eu de multe ori il simt: in palmele mele atingerea sa, in sangele meu, in bratele mele; respiratia si parfumul trupului sau, inima lui batand o data cu a mea. Stiu ca il iubesc, si el stie ca il iubesc si sunt norocoasa ca pot traii o asemenea poveste si astept cu nerabdare ziua in care ne vom intalni fata in fata.
Asa ca... Da, viata are partile ei proaste, urate, dar are si momentele ei bune. Si de cele mai multe ori, cand le pun in balanta, cele bune sunt mai importante decat cele rele. Asa ca „capul sus si cu Dumnezeu inainte”. Orice suparare trece si totdeauna vin si zile mai bune. Pana la urma va sosi si momentul meu de fericire, cand o sa trag linie si o sa-mi calculez scorul: frustrari 0 - realizari infinit.

I miss you like crazy

For the one I love, that I miss every day, every minute, every second.



Even though its been so long,
My love for you keeps going strong.
I remember the things that we used to do,
A kiss in the rain til' the sun shined through,
I'd try to deny it, but I'm still in love with you.

I miss you like crazy,
I miss you like crazy.
Ever since you went away
Every hour of every day.
I miss you like crazy,
I miss you like crazy.
No matter what I say or do,
There's just no getting over you.

I can see the love shining in your eyes
And it comes as such a sweet surprise.
If seeing's believing its worth the wait,
So hold me and tell me its not too late.
We're so good together, we're starting forever now.

And I miss you like crazy,
I miss you like crazy.
Ever since you went away,
Every hour of every day.
I miss you like crazy,
I miss you baby.
A love like ours will never end,
Just touch me and we're there again.

Just one night
And we'll have that magic feeling like we used to do.
Hold on tight
and whatever comes our way we're gonna make it through.
If seeing's believing it's worth the wait,
so hold me and tell me it's not too late
We're so good together, we're starting forever now

And I miss you like crazy,
I miss you like crazy.
No matter what I say or do
there's just no getting over you.
And I miss you (baby), I miss you (baby).
All the tender love you gave me
When a feeling gets this strong,
You know the real thing come along.

And I miss you,
I miss you like crazy baby.
Only your sweet love can save me.
I miss you like crazy, a love like ours will never end,
Just touch me and we're there again.
Miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy...

John Legend - Save Room

Say that you'll stay a little
dont say bye-bye tonight
say you'll be mine
just a little bit of love
is worth a moment of your time.

Knockin' on your door just a little
it's so cold outside tonight
let's get a fire burning oh I know I
'll keep it burning bright
if your stay, wont you save, save

[Chorus]Save room for my love
Save room for a moment to be with me
Save room for my love
Save a little, save a little for me
Won't you save a little
Save a little for me

This just might hurt a little
love hurts sometimes when you do it right
dont be afraid of a little bit of pain
pleasure is on the other side.
Let down your guard just a little
i'll keep you safe in these arms of mine
hold on to me pretty baby
you will see I can be all you need if you stay
won't you save, save

[Chorus] Oh c'mon, make time to live a little
don't let this moment slip by tonight
you'll never know what you're missing
'till you try, i'll keep you satisfied if you stay
won't you save, save [Chorus]



This song says it all, no need for me to say anything else.

From this moment on - Shania Twain & Brian White

(I do swear that I'll always be there.
I'd give anything and everything and I will always care.
Through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow, for better for worse,
I will love you with every beat of my heart.)

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on
From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on
I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you
From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on
You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you
From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on.

Isn't this the most beautiful love declaration ever?

Frumoasa si Bestia / Beauty and the Beast

Toata lumea il stie pe Walt Disney, nu? Si toti cunoastem povestea asta cu Belle si Bestia.
Ea - frumoasa, visatoare, culta, gingasa, echilibrata, saraca. El - urat, rece, puternic, temperamental, arogant, bogat. Doua lumi total diferite, dar care se atrag. Oare noi nu suntem la fel? Noi, in relatiile noastre nu ne purtam la fel ca ei, Belle si Bestia?
In oricare relatie unul din parteneri este mai puternic decat celalalt, mai fragil, mai supus sau mai calm. Ne asumam un rol de la inceput sau n-il descoperim pe parcurs, cand incepem sa ne cunoastem cu adevarat, atat intre noi cat si pe noi insine. Cine spune ca stie totul despre el insusi nu stie de fapt nimic, cine spune ca el nu se va schimba niciodata este cel mai mare mincinos. O relatie te schimba, in bine sau in rau, te transforma, te provoaca, te domina. E alegerea ta cine vei fi dupa o zi, dupa o luna, dupa un an... mai puternic sau mai slab, sclav sau stapan sau undeva la mijloc, pastrand echilibrul.
Asa ca intreaba-te cine ai fost, cine esti si cine vei deveni. Iti place persoana aceea din viitorul tau? Atunci mergi mai departe in relatia asta. Daca nu iti place atunci schimba-te, spunei celuilalt adio si cauta ceva mai bun pentru tine. Stiu oameni care au avut curaj sa faca pasul asta si acum sunt in sfarsit fericiti. Intotdeauna se poate si mai bine.
Dar atunci cand iubesti prea mult si crezi in dragostea voastra e greu sa renunti la ce ai, chiar daca uneori nu ai nimic decat manunchiul asta de sentimente: iubire amestecata cu ura, speranta cu neincredere, implinire cu suferinta. Si acesta este genul de relatie in care cei doi au foarte clar definite rolurile: unul va fi Frumoasa in timp ce celalalt va fi Bestia. Unul isi va dori sa fie iubit iar celalalt isi va dori sa daruiasca iubire, unul va domina iar celalalt se va lasa ingenuncheat, unul va fi crud iar celalalt milostiv. Dar la final exista echilibru: amandoi castiga pentru ca relatia asta ii transforma. Cel puternic invata sa se lase stapanit, cucerit, in timp ce acela fragil invata gustul puterii si intelege ca oamenii, prin natura lor, pot fi atat buni, cat si rai, iar acea malitiozitate, de cele mai multe ori nu e decat o masca care ascunde un suflet sensibil, foarte usor de ranit.

Dar poate ca Frumoasa intelesese rolul ei din prima clipa cand a privit Bestia in ochi.

***

Everybody knows Walt Disney, isn’t so? And we all know this story about Belle and the Beast.
She – beautiful, dreamy, literate, delicate, balanced, poor. He – ugly, cold, strong, short tempered, prideful, rich. Two totally different worlds, but who are attracted to each other. Aren’t we the same? In our relationships don’t we act just like them, like Belle and the Beast?
One of the partners is always stronger, more fragile, and more submissive or more calm then the other, in every relation. We are assuming a role-play from the beginning or we are discovering it on the way, when we begin to really know each other or thyself. Who says that he knows everything there is about him actually doesn’t know a thing, who says he will never change is the greatest liar. A relationship changes who you are for the better or for the worst, it transforms you, provokes you, and dominates you. It’s your choice who you’re going to be after one day, one month or one year… stronger or weaker, slave or master or somewhere in between, keeping the balance.
So ask yourself who were you, who are you and who you will became. Do you like that person from your future? Then go on in this relationship. If you don’t like it then change yourself, say goodbye to the other one and search better for you. I know people who had enough courage to make this step and now they are finally happy. You can always do better.
But when you love too much and you believe in your love it’s hard to give up on what you have, even if sometimes all you have is a bunch of these feelings: love mixed with hate, hope with disbelief, accomplished with hurt. And this is that kind of relation where both are playing these roles: one will be Beauty while the other one will be Beast. One will wish to be loved while the other will want to give love, one will dominate and the other one will let himself knelt, one will be cruel and the other one merciful. But in the end there is balance: they both win because this relationship transforms them. The strong one learns to let himself mastered, conquered, while the fragile one learns the taste of power and understands that people, by their nature, can be good and bad, and this malice, most of the times is only a mask that hides a very sensible, easy to hurt soul.

But maybe Beauty understood her role from the first moment she looked into the Beasts eyes.

Voi fi intotdeauna cu tine / I will always be with you

Am citit urmatoarele randuri pe blogul lui Cabral (cabral.ro) si ma tot gandesc la ele de atunci. Vai, cata dreptate poate avea! Oare de ce ma regasesc in ele?

***

Prima clipa, prima discutie in care ii simti respiratia alunecandu-ti pe piept, prima privire in suflet, primele vorbe… primele minciuni.
Suna dur “minciuni“, stiu, dar… hai sa incercam sa privim cu sinceritate. Ce stii, in acel moment despre ea? Cat de bine-l cunosti? Cat de bine te cunosti tu in relatia aia, foarte proaspata, cat de bine va cunoasteti chimia, pe ce-ti bazezi promisiunea aia?
- Te iubesc, voi fi intotdeauna cu tine!
- Esti sigur?
- Mai sigur decat orice pe lumea asta!
Da, sigur! Ce stii in acel moment? C-o iubesti, ca te face sa te simti asa cum nu te-ai mai simtit, parca, niciodata! Te face sa simti ca il adori, astepti cu nerabdare fluturasii din stomac, caci ti-i da, mai ales atunci cand te saruta si te priveste cu privirea aia, aia speciala, care te face sa te simti cea mai frumoasa creatie a lumii… Asta stii, pe asta te poti baza. Dar, acest mic nimic iti conteaza in respectivul moment infim al vietii tale mai mult decat ce va sa fie si de doua ori decat tot ce-a fost…
- Ce-ti doresti de la viata asta?
- Pe tine, numai pe tine, acum, maine, pentru totdeauna… tu!
Asa ne incepem relatiile, mai mult sau mai putin cu minciuna asta, sau una vecina ei, promitem lucruri mari, ne promitem noua ca vom fi mai buni, altfel, ca nu vom repeta greselile trecutului… ca vom iubi atat de frumos incat povestea asta nu se va termina vreodata.
Dar uitam, caci suntem oameni, ca am promis fix acelasi lucru intr-o anumita relatie ce a trecut. La fel am zis, “Intotdeauna cu tine…!“, dar n-a fost asa, ne-am despartit, am uitat – sau nu – am mers mai departe si… acum iubim din nou.
Cand am mintit, atunci sau acum? Ne-am proiectat si atunci umbrele de indragostiti pe peretele de fum al unui viitor care astazi e realitate, si pe peretele ala ne vedeam atunci “Intotdeauna impreuna.”. Numai ca umbrele indragostitilor s-au schimbat, una dintre siluete a disparut, acum e alta, si in acelasi fel de imbratisare ne proiectam din nou intr-un promis “Intotdeauna cu tine!“.
Am mintit atunci? Mintim acum din nou? Am mintit de fiecare data?
Caci, cum facem, vom alege sa fim in continuare, in continuarea acelei minciuni, alaturi de fostul? Riscam asa sa ne erodam prezentul sau lasam minciuna aia deoparte si ii zambim ingaduitori asteia noi?
De ce nu spunem “Azi impreuna!” si facem in asa fel incat sa ne tinem de cuvant cat mai frumos posibil?

**********

I’ve read the next lines on Cabral’s blog (cabral.ro) and I’m thinking and thinking about them since then. Wow, he is so right! Why do I find myself in them?

***

First moment, first conversation when you feel your breath on your chest, first look into the soul, first words... first lies.
Sounds harsh „lies”, I know, but ... let’s try to look at this with honesty. What do you know about her in that moment? How well do you know him? How well do you know yourself in that relationship, so fresh, how well do you know the chemistry of you two, what reason you have to make that promise?
- I love you; I will always be with you!
- Are you sure?
- Surer then anything else!
Yeah, sure! What do you know in that moment? That you love her, that she makes you feel like you, maybe, never felt before! He makes you feel like you adore him, you’re waiting impatiently for the stomach butterflies, because you get those from him, mostly when he kisses you and he looks at you with that look, that special one, which makes you feel the most beautiful creation in the world. This is what you know, you can count on this. But, this tiny nothing counts in this little moment of your life more then what will be and twice more then what was…
- What do you want from this life?
- You, only you, now, tomorrow, always… you!
This is how we start our relations, more or less with this lie, or with one close to it, we promise big things, we promise to ourselves that we are going to be better, different, that we are not going to repeat the mistakes from the past… that we will love so beautiful that the story will never end.
Because we are human we forget that we promised the same thing in a previous relation. We said the same thing “always with you…!”, but it wasn’t like that, we broke up, we forgot – or we didn’t – we moved forward and… now we love again.
When did we lie, then or now? Then we projected our lovers’ shadows on the smoke wall of a future that today became reality, and on that wall we used to see us “always together”. Only that the lovers shadows have changed, one of the silhouettes disappeared, now there is a new one, and in the same embrace we project ourselves again in a new promised “always with you”.

Did we lie then? Are we lying now, again? Did we lie every time?
But what are we going to do; we are going to stay in that lie, by the ex’s side? Do we risk eroding away the present or we are going to leave that lie aside and kindly smile to this new one?
Why aren’t we saying “today together” and trying to keep our word the best way possible?

Ce imi place mie... / What I like...

Florin Chilian - Zece (Ten)




Refren : Zece intamplari ciudate si-o minune (Ten strange happenings and a miracle)
Te-au adus in casa, zece (Have brought you home, ten)
Zece pictori se tot mira (Ten painters are all surprised)
Cat esti de frumoasa (How beautiful you are)
Zece zile trec absurd de nu stiu (Ten days pass absurd, I don’t know)
Nu stiu cum, nu stiu pe unde, nu stiu (I don't know how, I don't know where, don't know)
Zece vieti de-as sta cu tine (Ten lives if I'd stay with you)
Tot ar fi putine (It would not be enough)

Doua stele, paralele, (Two stars, parallels)
Stele, lacrimi innodate si (Stars, tied tears and)
Lumina de la ele (Their light)
Pentru tine toate (All for you)

Patru printi cu trei castele (Four princes with three castles)
Ape, lanturi fermecate si (Waters, charmed chains and)
Tot cerul peste ele (All the sky over them)
Pentru tine toate (All for you)

Refren x1

Sapte zane, toate bune (Seven fairies, all good)
Licurici, sperante-n noapte si (Fireflies, hopes in the night and)
Piticii din poveste (The story’s gnomes)
Pentru tine toate (All for you)

Noua magi in faptul serii (Nine magus in the evening)
O potcoava sus departe, si (A horse shoe up far away, and)
Comorile din suflet (The treasures of the heart)
Pentru tine toate (All for you)

Refren x1

Despre IUBIRE in multe feluri / About LOVE in many ways

Nu stiu cum se face ca toata lumea in jurul meu se casatoreste. Am o gramada de prieteni si cunostinte care fac nunta anul acesta sau la anu. O fi un virus nou pe piata sau a devenit casnicia un trend? Din cate imi amintesc eu, pe la noi rata divorturilor e din ce in ce mai mare, de la an la an. Nu ca as dori eu sa li se intample asa ceva... Oricum, meditez si eu asupra acestui sentiment care ne innebuneste pe toti: IUBIREA. Si am ajuns la cateva concluzii.
- Iubirea nu raneste. Ea nu se exprima prin violenta si nu aduce suferinta. Cand iubesti nu il ranesti pe cel de langa tine in nici un fel, mai ales fizic. Dragostea este o relatie de la egal la egal, nu de genul stapan – sclav. In dragoste suntem parteneri, colaboratori. Dar cate neveste nu sunt batute sau amenintate zilnic in tara nostra...
- Iubirea nu omoara. Daca te gandesti cum sa-l faci pe cel de langa tine sa dispara inseamna ori ca esti nebun, ori ca ai ajuns la capatul puterilor. Oricum e clar ca aici nu mai e vorba de iubire. Solutia cea mai buna e divortul, despartirea definitiva. Era la stiri, intr-o zi un caz: el i-a pus sotiei mercur in tigara. Oamenii din ziua de azi ma ingrozesc.
- Iubirea este respect. Daca nu il respecti pe cel de langa tine, daca nu il admiri pentru omul care este atunci nu ai ce cauta langa el. In trecut, cand tinerii erau casatoriti fara a se cunoaste (si pe la noi se practica obiceiul acesta), respectul era baza casniciei, iubirea venea mai tarziu, daca venea, iar casnicia dura o viata intreaga.
- Iubirea este sacrificiu. Cand iubesti esti dispus sa lasi totul pentru a fi alaturi de celalalt, sa-ti parasesti job-ul, familia, casa, tara, religia, sa te schimbi cu totul, sa devii un om nou, mai bun, mai frumos.
- Iubirea nu inseamna mila. Daca te intrebi „oare ce va face fara mine, cum se va descurca, cine ii va gati, cine il/o va ingriji” nu inseamna ca il iubesti pe celalalt, ci ca esti constient ca partenerul e dependent de tine. Dar asta nu e iubire. Iubire este atunci cand stai langa celalalt indiferent de dizabilitatile sale, pentru ca iti simti sufletul plin doar alaturi de el. Iubire este atunci cand, desi o viata sexuala normala e imposibila, gasesti metode prin care cuplul sa se reinventeze, atat afectiv cat si sexual.
- Iubirea nu pune bariere. Daca te iubeste nu iti va cere niciodata sa faci ceva ce nu iti place, sa te desparti de cei pe care ii iubesti, sa-ti schimbi stilul de viata. Vei face toate astea doar daca vrei, daca consideri ca e necesar. Iubirea nu inseamna „nu ai voie”, ci „totul este permis”.
- Iubirea nu minte, nu inseala. In dragoste e loc doar pentru sinceritate, adevar, fidelitate. Oricine se abate de la acestea trei inseamna ca nu are principii si nu merita.
- Iubirea este incredere. Trebuie sa-l crezi pe celalalt inca dinainte de a-l cunoaste cu adevarat, chiar daca stii ca e posibil sa te inseli, sa suferi. Nu e bine sa lasam loc interpretarii, suspiciunii. Daca suntem sinceri vom castiga increderea partenerului si, in acest fel, inlaturam dusmanul cel mai important: gelozia.
- Iubirea inseamna rabdare. Oamenii nu sunt perfecti, dar sunt dispusi sa se schimbe din dragoste. Nu trebuie decat sa avem rabdare, sa le dam timp ca ei sa-si inlature defectele si sa-si multiplice calitatile. Cand iubesti il astepti pe celalalt sa vina la tine, sa vina atunci cand e sigur ca aceasta este alegerea corecta, cand este el pregatit.

....

I don’t know how come everyone around me is getting married. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who are having their wedding this year or next year. Is it a virus or getting married became a trend? From what I remember, here the rate of divorces is increasing from year to year. Not that I would want something like this to happen to them... Anyway, I reflect on this feeling that gets us all crazy: LOVE. And I came to several conclusions.
- Love does not hurt. It is not expressed trough violence and it does not bring suffering. When you love you do not hurt the one near you in any way, especially physically. Love is a relationship between equals, not like master - slave. In love we are partners, collaborators. But how many wives are not threatened or beaten daily in our country...
- Love does not kill. If you think about how to make the one next to you disappear means you're either crazy or you got tired out. However, is clear that here is not about love. The best solution is divorce, final break-up. It was on the news this event: he put mercury in his wife’s cigarette. People today terrify me.
- Love is respect. If you disrespect the guy next to you, if you do not admire him then what are you still doing with him. In the past, when young people were getting married without meeting before (we used to practice this here too), respect was the bases of the marriage, love came later, if it came, and the marriage lasted a lifetime.
- Love is sacrifice. When you love you are willing to leave everything to be next to the one you desire, you leave your job, family, home, country, religion, to change completely, to become a new person, better, more beautiful.
- Love is not mercy. If you ask "what will he do without me, how will he manage, who will do the cooking, who will take care of him" does not mean that you love the other, it only means you're aware that your partner is dependent on you. But that's not love. Love is when you sit next to him regardless of his disability, because you feel fulfilled only beside him. Love is when, although a normal sexual life is impossible, the couple finds ways to reinvent both emotional and sexual.
- Love does not put barriers. If he loves you he will never ask you to do something that you don’t want to like to leave the people you love, to change your lifestyle. You will do this only if you want to, if you consider it necessary. Love does not mean "you cannot” but "everything is allowed".
- Love is not lying or cheating. In love there is place only for sincerity, truth, fidelity. Whoever deviates from this three means that they don’t have principles and are not worth it.
- Love is trust. You got to believe your partner even before knowing the real him, even if you know it's possible to be wrong, to suffer. It’s not good to leave space for interpretation, suspicion. If we are honest we will win the trust of our partners and, thus, remove the most important enemy: jealousy.
- Love is patient. People are not perfect, but are willing to change for love. We should just have patience, to give them time to eliminate their defects and multiply their qualities. When you love you will wait for the other one to come to you, to come when he is sure that he made the right choice, when he is ready.