Ganduri / Thoughts

Astazi s-a intamplat altceva care sa ma surprinda neplacut. Ne-a transmis sefa din partea nu stiu cui ca nu mai avem voie sa bem apa imbuteliata. „Big problem” a zis ea, iar daca ne e sete cica sa bem de la chiuveta (o apa care vine direct de la izvor de sus din munte, nefiltrata, neigienizata, uneori galbena si urat mirositoare) sau sa mergem la bucatarie „sa cerem” un pahar cu apa. Voi a-ti mai auzit asa ceva? Sa nu ai voie sa bei apa, sa ti se interzica apa de baut? Atat de umilita nu m-am simtit in viata mea, nici macar in aia 4 ani jumatate de Carrefour in care m-am vaitat atata de conditiile proaste de lucru si regulile absurde care se cereau respectate. Pana si animalelor de povara le dai de mancare si apa de baut si ai grija de ele cand sunt bolnave si nu le muncesti pana pica jos. Ma simt mai rau decat un animal de povara. Suntem exploatate la mixim, daca s-ar putea sa muncim si fara sa bem apa si sa mancam ar fi ideal. Sa muncim pe gratis si sa nu ne odihnim niciodata, nu? Sa credeti voi, greci imputiti si needucati ce sunteti. Sa credeti voi. Mai repede ma invat sa fur, sa fur mancarea, sa fur apa, sa fur timpul meu de odihna din timpul de lucru, asa cum fac si cameristele grecoaice cand se ascund prin spalatorie cate o jumatate de ora, pauza de fumat cica. Vine ea si vremea cand o sa plec de aici si o sa vina si vremea cand am sa ma bucur ca Grecia o duce foarte rau financiar, iar grecii vor fugi si ei, la fel ca mine, in tari straine ca sa-si castige o paine.
M-am temut sa le povestesc alor mei prin ce trec eu pe aici pentru ca stiam reactia lor. Mama regreta ca am plecat de acasa iar sormea ma intreaba daca mai plang. Doamne, daca ar stii ei cat plang eu! Tata ma intreaba daca nu pot promova. Nu, aici nu exista promovare, aici strainii nu sunt buni decat pentru a munci pana la ultima suflare. Se duc de rapa visele mele, unul cate unul. Ma bufneste rasul cand imi amintesc de intrebarea aia de la interviuri: „unde te vezi peste 5 ani”. Dar cine poate stii peste 5 ani ce i se va intampla, unde va fi, unde il va mai purta viata? Planuri toti ne facem, insa cate din ele devin realitate?
Pe mine m-au adus in Grecia trei lucruri: nevoia, aspiratiile si o dorinta.
Nevoia de bani a existat intotdeauna dar este si mai acuta acum, cand stiu ce viata duce acasa familia mea. Un tata somer, o mama bugetara si o sora cu un job part-time care termina masterul la vara... Nu pot sa le cer sa mai primeasca inca un somer. Din ce o sa traim? Asta e, raman aici, oricat de nefericita as fi, oricate lacrimi as varsa pentru ca este singurul mod in care ii pot ajuta. Nu, nu pot pleca acasa.
Aspiratiile mele nu se pot implini aici: o cariera, promovare, un salariu mai bun, un mediu de lucru placut, o echipa de la care sa pot invata ceva. Acesta nu este locul potrivit pentru mine si am stiut asta din prima zi cand am sosit aici si am vazut ca nimeni nu vorbeste engleza, cand am vazut cat de dezorganizati sunt. Sosisem pe 8 Martie seara, pe la 9 si nu ne-a ajutat nimeni cu nimic, nici macar cu informatii. A trebuit sa intreb eu tot: unde avem camera, ne poate conduce cineva la camera, putem lua cina, incep munca a doua zi sau nu si la ce ora.
Si a mai ramas dorinta. Dorinta asta ma motiva puternic, ma impulsiona si simteam mai putin ca ma sacrific, numai ca ... Oamenii sunt fiinte slabe, nu rezista tentatiei, te dezamagesc. Oamenii spun lucruri care te ranesc si habar nu au ca au facut-o. Si incepi sa te gandesti daca se merita intradevar sa te sacrifici pentru ei, daca se merita sa le faci loc in visele si dorintele tale. Habar n-au oamenii ce e in sufletul tau si isi permit sa ia totul in gluma si uita de promisiunile facute. Oamenii nu inteleg ca unele lucruri nu se spun, ca unele lucruri doar se simt. E atat de usor sa ranesti, mai ales o persoana care stii ca e vulnerabila in fata ta. Iti pui sufletul pe tava in fata cuiva, iar el intai il striveste putin, doar asa, ca sa vada ce reactie ai.
Si atunci raman in Grecia pentru ca trebuie, pentru ca e necesar, insa nu si pentru ca imi doresc asta.

*Apropo, astia nici caldura nu ne mai dau aici. In timp ce am scris randurile astea mi-au inghetat mainile si picioarele foarte rau.

UPDATE: Nu bagati in seama tot ce scriu. Mai am si eu zilele mele proaste.


***


I had an unpleasant surprise today. My supervisor told us that we are no longer allowed to drink bottled water. “Big problem” she said and if we are thirsty we should drink water from our bathroom sink (this water comes directly from a mountain spring, unfiltered, sometimes yellow and smelly) or we should go into the kitchen and “ask” for a glass of water. Did you ever hear about something like this? To don’t be allowed to drink water, drinkable water to be forbidden? Never in my life have I felt so humiliated, not even during those 4 and a half years spent in Carrefour when I used to whine about the bad work conditions and the absurd rules that I had to fallow. Even to working animals we give food and water and we care for them when they are sick and we don’t work them until they fell to the ground. I feel worse than a working animal. We are fully exploited and if it would be possible for us to work without water and food it would be perfect. Free working and no rest, isn’t so? You filthy uneducated Greeks… You may believe so but I will learn to steal, I will steal my food, I will steal my water, I will steal my resting time from my working time, like the other Greek chambermaids do when they hide in the laundry for half an hour for their smoking break. Oh, that time will come, the time when I will leave this place and the time when I will enjoy the bad financial crisis that stroke Greece, because Greeks will do what I did: they will go to work in foreign countries to win their bread.
I was afraid to let my family know trough what I’m going here because I knew their reaction. Mom regrets that I left and my sis is asking if I’m still crying. God, if they only knew how many tears I’ve cried! Dad asked me if I can’t promote here. No, there is no promotion for us; here foreigners serve only for working until their last breath. There go my dreams, one by one. I’m about to laugh when I remember that question that I used to hear at interviews:”where do you see yourself in 5 years”. Who knows what will happen to him in 5 years and where he is going to end up? We are making plans but how many of our plans become reality?
Three things pushed me towards Greece: The need, aspirations and a wish.
I always needed the money but now I need them more than ever because I know how bad life became for my family. An unemployed dad, mom paid by the government and a sister with a part-time job finishing master this summer… I can’t ask them to receive another unemployed into the house. How are we supposed to survive? This is it, I have to stay here, no matter how unhappy I would be, no matter how many tears I would cry because this is the only way that I have left in helping them. No, I can’t go home.
My aspirations won’t be fulfilled here: a career, a promotion, a better wage, a better working environment, a team that can teach me something. This is not the place for me and I knew this since my first day here, when I saw that no one speaks English, when I saw how unorganized they are. I arrived on March 8, it was about 9 PM and no one helped me with nothing, not even with information. I had to ask everything: where is my room, can someone show me the way to my room, can I have dinner, and am I going to start working the next day or not and at what hour.
And the last one: my wish. This wish strongly motivated me, served as an impulse and made me feel less like I was making a sacrifice by coming to Greece, only that… People are weak, they do not resist to the temptation, and they let you down. People say stuff that hurts you and they don’t even know what they done. And you start wondering if it’s really worth sacrificing yourself for them, if it’s worth making room for them in your dreams and wishes. People don’t understand that some things are better left unsaid, that some things can only be felt. It’s so easy to hurt someone, especially it that someone shows you their vulnerable part. You put your soul in somebody’s hands and he first squashes it a little, just… to see your reaction.
So I am staying in Greece because I have to, because it’s necessary, but not because I want to.

*By the way, they don’t even give us heating. While I was writing these lines my hands and feet froze really bad.

UPDATE: Don't believe everything I write. I have bad days too.